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He loved her in a distant kind of way, the same way the sun heats the Earth. If she were to disappear completely, he knew through pure logic that it would have no great, disastrous effect on him. He would not cease to be; he would not stop breathing; his heart would not stop beating; the world would not stop spinning. The sun would keep shining, radiating heat, if the Earth were not there. On a certain, purely physical level, her absence would have absolutely zero effect on his person. And yet…

He loved her in an abstract kind of way, the way a bee loves honey. He wasn’t sure why he wanted to love her, but he wanted to love her just the same. Maybe somebody told him once that he should be in love with somebody, so he felt a need to pick somebody and it just so happened to be her. Maybe. Being in love was nice, sure, but he didn’t need to be.

And yet…

He loved her in a removed kind of way, the way a butterfly’s wings can start a tsunami halfway around the world. He knew that it had an effect on her, but he wasn’t sure how great. On a certain level he was aware that if he were to stop, if he were to disappear, it would have a drastic effect. For him it would be one less flap of his wings, in a manner of speaking, if such a thing were possible without him falling from the sky.

And yet…

He loved her in a subtle kind of way. It wasn’t the kind of love you see in movies, with swelling music and giant gestures and running through the streets to catch a departing train. It wasn’t the kind of love that Byron or Shakespeare wrote about, with flowery language and hyperbole and iambic pentameter. It was still and deep, like water that you might mistake for shallow if you just watched the surface. It was entirely his, not dependent on her own feelings for him, and it would still be there whether she, or him, or everyone else on the world disappeared. It was a subtle kind of love, but it was true.

And she loved him just the same.

I have been meeting people asking me that repeated set of questions:

Where have you come from?

Where will you go when you are done?

I answer in a way that makes sense to them… but not to me. I am lost in the answers I know. And I don’t tell them, or they will say I take things too seriously.

I wasted much part of the evening just because I couldn’t say no. But someone also ended it on a good note by saying I am smart. It was like a cruel joke, outcome of the sum of all uncertainties, trying to justify my meaningless existence.

The walk back, it was windy out there. Not too cold thought the roads were icy and slippery. And that walk to the campus was like the most beautiful thing I had experienced in a long time. The infinite sky enveloped in a darkness no one can explain. People going by, but you don’t feel alone for the first time. No one is in rush and there is peace.

And very slowly, I sing these lines to those present:

ਸਤਿਗੁਰੁ ਸਿਖ ਕਉ ਨਾਮ ਧਨੁ ਦੇਇ ॥ ਗੁਰ ਕਾ ਸਿਖੁ ਵਡਭਾਗੀ ਹੇ ॥

The True Guru gives His Sikh the wealth of the Naam. The Sikh of the Guru is very fortunate.

PS: I think the first question can be answered the way Ishna ji of SPN puts it -

I am just a billion year old carbon.

Ganga (and its waves) are metaphor to the swelling of knowledge and wisdom within the soul as it breaks the chains of the mind. Hope you enjoy the Shabad below.

ਗੰਗ ਗੁਸਾਇਨਿ ਗਹਿਰ ਗੰਭੀਰ ॥
The Lord of Ganges is deep and profound.

ਜੰਜੀਰ ਬਾਂਧਿ ਕਰਿ ਖਰੇ ਕਬੀਰ ॥੧॥
Tied up in chains, they took Kabeer there. ||1||

ਮਨੁ ਨ ਡਿਗੈ ਤਨੁ ਕਾਹੇ ਕਉ ਡਰਾਇ ॥
My mind was not shaken; why should my body be afraid?

ਚਰਨ ਕਮਲ ਚਿਤੁ ਰਹਿਓ ਸਮਾਇ ॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥
My consciousness remained immersed in the Lotus Feet of the Lord. ||1||Pause||

ਗੰਗਾ ਕੀ ਲਹਰਿ ਮੇਰੀ ਟੁਟੀ ਜੰਜੀਰ ॥
The waves of the Ganges broke the chains,

ਮ੍ਰਿਗਛਾਲਾ ਪਰ ਬੈਠੇ ਕਬੀਰ ॥੨॥
and Kabeer was seated on a deer skin. ||2||

ਕਹਿ ਕੰਬੀਰ ਕੋਊ ਸੰਗ ਨ ਸਾਥ ॥
Says Kabeer, I have no friend or companion.

ਜਲ ਥਲ ਰਾਖਨ ਹੈ ਰਘੁਨਾਥ ॥੩॥੧੦॥੧੮॥
On the water, and on the land, the Lord is my Protector.

It was late night ordeal trying to crack the code of sudoku. I was just crunching my brain forever to get the assignment done. In that moment of cerebral agony, I would grab whatever edible stuff I could and eat it. Thankfully I had a nice bag of fruits within reach. One by one the oranges went, there was the scented orange peel all around my laptop. While nothing seemed to work in my code, I grabbed the last orange. And it had some mould growth. I didn’t even check how it was inside. Just placed it back in the bag and piled the peel bits on top of it. Later in the night, I went out for a walk (nothing was still working out) and dumped the bag in garbage. I went to the main Columbia St. and a thought came to me. There are so many people in the world suffering from hunger. And when you are desperate  life is indeed sad. Many of those, would ignore the mould and peel open up the orange. They would be satisfied that the problem was limited only to the skin. And they will have a moment of happiness, with that juicy fruit, a gift of nature to man. It is now a gift so less in worth. I felt really bad about myself. The whole people-wasting-food is just so real. And you can never appreciate something you don’t hesitate to throw away.

ਜਿਹ ਪ੍ਰਸਾਦਿ ਛਤੀਹ ਅੰਮ੍ਰਿਤ ਖਾਹਿ ॥
By His Grace, you partake of the thirty-six delicacies;

ਤਿਸੁ ਠਾਕੁਰ ਕਉ ਰਖੁ ਮਨ ਮਾਹਿ ॥
enshrine that Lord and Master within your mind.

ਕਬੀਰ ਜੋ ਮੈ ਚਿਤਵਉ ਨਾ ਕਰੈ ਕਿਆ ਮੇਰੇ ਚਿਤਵੇ ਹੋਇ ॥
Kabeer, whatever I wish for does not happen. What can I accomplish by merely thinking?

ਅਪਨਾ ਚਿਤਵਿਆ ਹਰਿ ਕਰੈ ਜੋ ਮੇਰੇ ਚਿਤਿ ਨ ਹੋਇ ॥੨੧੯॥
The Lord does whatever He wishes; and the Lord is not in my heart

I think the line is really important. We are always thinking and trying to predict the future, but we DON’T REMEMBER the one who is going to FASHION the future. I think the whole direction of Gurbani is to replace human behaviour (worries, fear, jealousy, doubt) with the ‘natural behaviour’ (Simran).

Is Guru pointing out some Mistake? What mistake? We all see mistakes! For Waheguru, it is just His Creation. How does the soul ‘merge’ with Guru? I guess are souls already part of Waheguru, we are in doubt because of duality of mind. Once we give that up, we are fine. Yes it is hard to understand and explain, and that’s why duality is something hard to get rid of.

ਕਬੀਰ ਲਾਗੀ ਪ੍ਰੀਤਿ ਸੁਜਾਨ ਸਿਉ ਬਰਜੈ ਲੋਗੁ ਅਜਾਨੁ ॥

That also depends, are ajaan person guided by Waheguru or by their own whim? Like I may report to my manager in my office, but I spend my whole day doing Facebook, then am not guided by my manager for sure!

(PS: And when I submit in my work, it is of lower quality as I have wasted some time doing something else.)

Before we compare our small existence with that of Waheguru and His Kudrat, think of you in your country! What role does a citizen have in the country? Nothing really significant. Still the citizen has to act in a way that’s in best interest of himself and people around him. Yet how the whole nation dynamics work, it’s totally awesome.

I really don’t know about balancing pleasure and devotion, but I believe that devotional things stick to you better. For me, I don’t remember that great restaurant I went to, or some nice sleep I had in a getaway resort, but I still remember the bliss I had in some kirtan samagams I attended in the last couple of years. Maybe things will become clearer with time.

Hmm at one moment I felt sad for Yogi Bhajan, he looked so old, he died anyway no matter how big an empire he had. I am afraid for myself, how will I die, how many more lives I still have to go, where all will my soul go and wander, when will Lord come and meet? Uncertainity leads to fear, fear takes us away from Waheguru, and the only solution is constant sweet remembrance of Akaal. Waheguru Waheguru Waheguru Waheguru Waheguru

I think at this point in life, new year is just another day when you have to get out and meet people. I wonder if I really hav a better view of life. And I might have to re-learn it all when I have a family. But I think I know that if it weren’t for days like these, all people in and around my life would fade away. So whoever made all these days and occasions, I must thank them in person. Change is such that there’s something for me to learn. I still feel some people are much better off without changing their anchoring points. Once you can get to a new place, you know you might conveniently forget all things.. all* and old* things. Ah this forgetfulness is the worst thing to know.

The Xmas eve is almost here. People are really busy preparing for the festive season. As a typical desi guy, am going to try and compare it with Diwali. It is the same mad rush, but there are better discounts. Yes we are tipping our newspaper boys and the garbage collectors too. There are people from The Salvation Army and other NGO’s all over trying to make this Xmas a merry one for the rest too. There are many places in stores where you can leave food for the homeless. A lady cab driver told the other day how Xmas was about buying 75 (!) presents for her grandchildren. Yes the children may have different ideas and its all around gifts, but somehow the parents and elders know it is more about sharing. And the important thing is, everyone is indeed happy and merry. I believe the sharing is there in India too. But not everyone can ‘afford’ a Diwali there the way they want to. I am not sure if there are no ‘unhappy’ people here this season. I hope if there are some, someone is reaching out to them.

I have heard about people who have things their way. It makes me laugh. What can one control? No one can even delay a moment from passing.

ਆਪਸ ਕਉ ਜੋ ਭਲਾ ਕਹਾਵੈ ॥ ਤਿਸਹਿ ਭਲਾਈ ਨਿਕਟਿ ਨ ਆਵੈ ॥
One who calls himself good – goodness shall not draw near him

These beautiful lines are from Sukhmani Sahib. Such deep wisdom, it opens up the person to what he is. No wonder such importance has been given to daily Paath of Sukhmani Sahib. There are always thoughts pondering in one’s mind, about how good one is. These thoughts lead to nothing. More such thoughts plague you when you think of marriage. And it is one of those seasons when many more take the plunge. I usually ask my newly married friends, how is the adjustment going? For me it is some really tough change in life, which changes everything. Maybe it does, but if I can make the change from undergrad to developer, Hyderabad to Edmonton, and back from developer to a grad student, any other change could be well handled by me.

The best advice came was how your spouse will be a perfect mirror. That will stay with you and you cannot ignore or overlook your bad habits anymore. It will ask for a lot of patience and acceptance. Yes the same patience which I was so short of 11 days ago. And the change would make you go for a new start. Yes chance to fix every thing in a way. Which is good. Only you should be able to fix everything. It would be like a reformat of the system. After that how many spywares you bring in, its all on you. But important thing is patience and understanding.