I was back, back in Hyderabad. What I had returned to? I didn’t know. I had come back with some compromises. And it wasn’t as if I liked the mean path. I was unhappy. And I couldn’t show it beyond a day. It was some sort of sadness that retreats until it finds balance within the confines of your heart. After some time I will meet those old people I have always known and loved, but I will share a part of me that I don’t love at all.
Things have more or less fallen into place, just the simple irritating issue of a twisted handle of my Red bike. The PJs have come back but not fallen on my face. I have taken care of room, got it cleaned. The Bat has gone to the shelf just as I expected, I have shown pics to friends, but I haven’t let them known what had happened in between. I let someone know and haven’t got response, ‘coz the person is as confused as I am.
What else is killing me? Some weird novels I have read, like the Shining and Carrie. I relate to mayhem in their life, how it is easy just to run away from things. But then they take away the pleasure of being able to solve things, which I had been doing pretty lately. At times, or the one like last week, when things don’t work, I take inexplicable steps like deleting my FB and Orkut accounts. Not that my manager is complaining but..
I come back to office, little low, low on energy too. I have read the thousands of mails, read so many docs and I know I haven’t imprinted anything on my mind, I guess it will work out as problems come and go. I have to get back to my routine, which I never get used to. I have to be more serious about things I have been taking time for. Life is running. And I am late, ain’t I. I feel the time has come to consolidate things.
How it feels? I don’t know. It feels like a lost warrior returning home, taking away the points of valor that were so much him. It feels like losing a cause you have always lived on. It is like dimming the faith and hope in the eyes of your beloved people. I go to the folder and play the mp3. I forget the pangs of my destiny. I detach from the everyday turmoils. I forget the hollow sounds as a voice rings sweetly my ears:
ਐਸੀ ਪ੍ਰੀਤਿ ਕਰਹੁ ਮਨ ਮੇਰੇ ॥
Enshrine such love, O my mind,
ਆਠ ਪਹਰ ਪ੍ਰਭ ਜਾਨਹੁ ਨੇਰੇ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥
that twenty-four hours a day, God will seem near to you. ||1||Pause||
ਕਹੁ ਨਾਨਕ ਜਾ ਕੇ ਨਿਰਮਲ ਭਾਗ ॥
Says Nanak, one who has such immaculate destiny
ਹਰਿ ਚਰਨੀ ਤਾ ਕਾ ਮਨੁ ਲਾਗ ॥੨॥੭॥੨੫॥
his mind is attached to the Lord’s Feet.