Ah am caught up in that lull period of a course work when the mid term is coming up, but you don’t know when. Things start getting really bad slowly and along with that, somehow your efficiency decreases. I wish I could do research on the relationship between course load and your efficiency. People keep on giving bad news like 2 weeks left before you submit your idea for project. There are talks which are no longer interesting and reviewing the papers doesn’t interest you anymore. Your daily assignments to prepare for the subject matter of next class, too have become redundant. Things are bouncing over your head in true sense. Possibly the reason is that you lying low, too low. The day doesn’t start well, you don’t get up on time, don’t get to do your prayers or have your food. You are still hungry till noon. The math class which you loved so much now has some tedious derivations which are just like writing a concept on paper, nothing concrete. You are again disillusioned by unstructured relationships in the world and all its assumptions. And of course there is another of those twice a month assignments. Thankfully now it has just 2 questions but you still have no clue how to go about them. You wish to spend the weekend with your family but you don’t know if you will be able to work all the time there. You don’t stay back on the weekends at residence and thus have no friends. Your social performance is critically poor. So far you haven’t started anything in sports either. Just running from one point to another, or sitting staring endless hour at the computer screen. But if someone asks you, you say you are enjoying yourself. Maybe you are, but a part of you is not agreeing. Is this another disappointment and crashing of expectations? I don’t know, but I am already working on plan B, so that means my original plans were all irrelevant. There is something missing, like a direction. Oh I know the word, it is called Lakshya. So well captured in the movies and like all good endings, the hero figures out what he wants to do in life. I am afraid if what and where I want to be, is part of my past which I can never go back to. Scary thought eh? I don’t know what to say or think any more. I have been in such situation before. Where things don’t unpack as the way you want to from a gift. I still have a LOT of soul searching to do. If only I could stop doing things I hate about me. If I could think without any doubt, if I could search without a query. Time is running out. After a month of being here, I am not the computer scientist I wish I could be. Let’s see what I achieve in rest of the eleven months. Apathy.